Grammar Lesson at a Funeral

 

Grammar lesson at Funeral. So, be careful of your grammar. 

It may kill you if you aren't careful!

Grammar Lesson at a Funeral

 VICAR - We will now have the Eulogy, which will be delivered by the daughter 

of the departed: SUSAN.

DAUGHTER - I just want to say a few words about my dad… To who I owe so much!

VICAR - Hum… ah…Excuse me…

DAUGHTER - Yes?

VICAR - At the risk of sounding pedantic, is: “To whom I owe so much”. Not “to who”.

DAUGHTER - Is it?

VICAR - “Who” is a subject pronoun and your father is evidently the object 

of the sentence, therefore one should use the object pronoun, namely “whom”.

 Great, continue.

DAUGHTER - Ah… Where to begin? There’s so many things we loved about h…

VICAR - Hum… “There are so many things”, plural.

DAUGHTER - First, I’d like to start by…

VICAR - Hum, a… “Firstly”.

DAUGHTER - What?

VICAR - “Firstly” is more formal, so…

DAUGHTER - I can’t believe you are interrupting me! 

Everyone here is completely disinterested in what you have to say!

VICAR - Is “uninterested”. “Disinterested” means “Impartial”. 

One has to respect the departed, not to mention the English language! (giggles)

DAUGHTER - More than anything else, I remember my father’s sense of humour… 

Whether he was at work or down in the local pub. 

He would always be holding court and people would literally laugh their heads off. (cries)

VICAR - Hum… I doubt it! (rolls his eyes)

DAUGHTER - What???

VICAR - No, I doubt that they would literally laugh their heads off! (smiles) 

Their heads would become detached from their bodies! 

It seems highly unlikely that your father would ever have said anything that funny.

DAUGHTER - Vicar, you and me are going to fall out!

VICAR - “You and I”, let´s not forget that personal pronoun in a day such as today!

DAUGHTER - (speaking inaudibly in anger) For God´s sake, you are putting me off!!!

VICAR - No, I’m not putting you off, that would end the sentence with a proposition. 

“I’m being off putting” …

DAUGHTER - How dare you do this to, me!!! I am grieving!!!

 This is my father down there!!!

VICAR - “Was”, in past tense. He is dead.

(Susan Slaps the Vicar in the face and he falls on the grave)

DAUGHTER - You’ve ruined the day for everybody! 

Now, you just lay there and think about what you’ve done!!!

VICAR - Not “lay”, “lie”. You shouldn’t use the transitive.